Friday, February 22, 2013

Some Current Obsessions

It's another list kind of day. Because it's snowing outside AGAIN and it makes me dark and dismal and dreary and putting together any kind of lengthy, meaningful words just seems like too much work for me and this cup of joe beside me.

So's my list of current obsessions. Because I have a few.

  • Clearly, this here little corner of the internet has gotten a small makeover. Gray, Chevron and I are having a moment. As I'm about to paint half my house gray, I'm planning for all the small ways I can bring chevron in without overdoing it. I feel like it's a fine line, and I don't want to cross it.
  • Change. I'm obsessing over change. I've changed my half bath and now my laundry room, with paint. We are preparing to change our living room, foyer, hallway and kitchen with paint. I am feeling an extreme need for all this change and new things to look at. 
  • Babies. I feel like I have finally reached a point of feeling like we are truly ready to add to our family of three. When it will happen, I have no idea. But I feel 100% ready for the first time; I feel like I'm realizing that maybe there is another soul that belongs in this family. 
  • My friends babies. I had a long talk with a good friend yesterday about how excited I am for all my friends to become moms. Because I know, without a doubt, there is not a single one of them that isn't going to kick ass at it. And now as a mom myself, I want to see all of them love this much. I want to see the moment when they go from thinking I'm crazy to totally understanding. Because it's coming. And I can't wait to see it. I can't wait to share it with them and spoil the crap out of those babies. 
  • My kid. I'm obsessing over my kid lately. His every move, his every word, his every smile, his every breath. I'm just flat out obsessed with him. Especially when we're sitting at the table, eating breakfast, and he takes a bite of his waffle and says, "Mmmm. Dats weel good". Yep, that happened this morning. Right now, he's sitting on a plate and scooching (is that a real word? I can't find correct spelling.....?) himself around the kitchen, cracking up. Whatever works, dude. But I'm a little sad it's not the mounds of toys that you have sitting here. 
  • Odwalla Strawberry Banana Smoothies. Obsessed.
  • I have a serious determination when it comes to tricking the cat into taking her antibiotic, and I get a very strange thrill when it works and she didn't even see it coming. Last night, it happened at 10:15 and Jeremy was not nearly excited as I was when I accomplished my feat. In fact, I think he said, through closed eyes, "You're insane". 
  • Still obsessed with finding a new Florida. Some days I know it's just ridiculous talk, other days, I'm so dead serious, it's not funny, and I get a little pissy when people don't believe me. Today I'm feeling is one of those days. STOP WITH THE FREAKING SNOW ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!
  • Paint chip colors. I think I'm settled and ready to hand them to the painter, and then....nope. Not quite. Gray is a tricky business.
  • Grey's Anatomy. I fell off there for a while, but I've been back these last two seasons and holy cow. I'm still madly in love. Especially with McDreamy. How does one individual get better looking every episode? I mean, seriously.
  • Landon would like to add his list of obsessions to this list. They currently include: chasing the cat, kitchen chairs, play dough, picking up crumbs, and fruit twists. His cat hates the chasing, his mother hates the crawling on the kitchen chairs, the play dough and fruit twists I'm ok with, and the crumb picking....I'm undecided. Part of me says "YAY! He's a clean freak like me!". The other part of me says "Oh shit. He's a clean freak like me!". 
  • I have been singing "Squirmy, squirmy wormy. Squirmy, squirmy wormy" for 20 minutes now. Thanks, Little Bill. This isn't an obsession I was looking to have.
Hope you all have a great weekend, and that you stay WARM and safe from the freaking snow! 

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

This One's For The Girls

I know girls. A few of them. All around the same "teenage" or "tween" age. Some of them share blood with me. Some of them don't, but I love them just as much. And they're all different. Each one. All unique. All amazing, wonderful, beautiful girls.

I was their age....not THAT long ago. I remember it vividly. I remember the heartbreaks. The "instant messages" which are now texts. I remember wanting to be cool. I remember wanting the popular girls to like me. I remember it all like it was yesterday.

But here's the thing. I wasn't cool. At least not to the "cool kids". The popular girls didn't hate me, but they didn't want to hang out with me, either. The "cute boys" didn't like me, hell, they probably didn't even notice me. When my name was read at graduation, I am fairly certain that a large number of my fellow students probably said, "Who?".

And there were days when all of it was horribly painful. I wanted to be pretty. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted everybody to love me.

And these girls I know, whether they admit it or not, all feel the same way. For some of them, it's not painful at all. Nope. Because they ARE the popular one. The pretty one. The one all the boys like. Some of them are more like me. Not hideously "unpopular", but not invited to the hottest parties every week either.

I could turn this into a big spiel about how much more I relate with those girls. Because let's be honest, I do. But I'm not going to. Because at the end of the day, what I want to say is for ALL the girls. Cool, uncool. Popular, unpopular. Cheerleader, band member. Whatever they are.

And I know that what I'm about to say is so much easier to say now that I'm through it, and it's over for me. But....if I had known then what I know now, maybe I wouldn't have spent so many nights crying to friends over SILLY things. Because while they seem huge to you now, I promise you, they aren't.

That cute boy that you're "in love" with? The one you are crying over because he likes that "other" girl? He most likely won't be your husband. You'll probably never see him again after graduation. Your soul mate is out there. And probably not sitting two rows ahead of you in English class. Don't sweat it. Really.

That pretty girl that all the boys like? She probably won't marry any of them either. So don't envy her. She seems perfect to you because they like her. But you have no idea. You don't know what it's like for her at home. You don't know why all the boys like her. And trust me, if they like her for the wrong reasons, you do NOT want to be like her. I promise.

And if you ARE that pretty girl? Stop trying so damn hard. Any boy worth your time will like you for (drumroll please....because it's about to get corny) your PERSONALITY. Not your boobs hanging out of your shirt. Or the bottom half of your ass cheeks hanging out of your shorts. The boys who like that want ONE thing, and I promise you, it's not to live happily ever after with you. And being vulgar to get their attention? Not cute either. Maybe it is to them now, but one day, when your kid is asking you why there are naked pictures of you online somewhere laced with curse words and awful things, you'll regret those five minutes of popularity it all earned you.

You don't NEED to go to the party and get drunk on Friday night. You really don't. Hanging out at home won't kill you. In fact, it definitely won't. That party might. Don't be dumb. Might be "cool" now, but it won't be later. Trust me.

Middle school, high school, none of it lasts. It'll be over before you know it. And then what does being "popular" mean? Nothing. Sorry. Doesn't help you in college. Won't help you in the real world. Your awesome bubble will pop the day you're out of that school. So I'm hoping that your bubble is filled with good grades, true friends, and lots of laughs, and not sleezy pictures, drunken nights and pregnancy scares. (No, you don't want to be on Teen Mom....those girls are NOT what you need to be aspiring to)

Some of these girls I know will read this. Some of them might say to themselves "Ok...I really am ok. I'm going to be something someday and high school doesn't last forever". Some of them will roll their eyes and say "Oh my God, she's SO lame. She IS such a loser". Whatever you say, that's ok. Just remember it all. Because one day, when you're sitting in your kitchen watching your kid play and make every animal noise in the book, while you wait for your husband to come home, you'll realize that I'm right.

To the ones that do read it, and take it in, I love you. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, know that I'm always here. You are perfect just the way you are. Don't let anybody tell you any different. And please, do trust me when I say..... your life will turn out just the way you want it to, if you work for it. If you stay focused, and you make the right choices, you WILL get exactly what you want.

To the ones who think I'm "like the biggest nerd, ever", I love you, too. I only want the very best for you, and I know exactly what you're capable of, and exactly what you're worth. And it's more than the vodka and mini skirts. You are BEAUTIFUL, and you don't need to flaunt it so much to be just as gorgeous. And your heart is amazing.....let someone see THAT first. Please. I'm here for you too though, if things go too far one night and you feel like shit in the morning. I'll pick you up, cry with you, whatever. But be prepared for reminders that you are better than all of it.

And to the mama's of these beautiful girls, you're amazing. You have phenomenal daughters. Remind them of that daily. And remind yourself, too.

To the Daddy's, give these girls love, lots of it. Don't make them search in the wrong places for the wrong kind of love. Give them the right kind, constantly. Tell them they're beautiful, that you love them, that they are your world. Because I know they are.

And to Landon, be the "good guy". Like the "other" girl. The one who isn't always perfect, but the one whose real. See her heart, not her body. None of them will ever be good enough for you in my eyes, but don't drive me to heavy drinking with your choices. Make your mama proud.

And to any future daughter that I may or may not be blessed with, you're perfect. Gorgeous. Listen to mommy when I say you don't need to be extreme to be loved. And know that your father should ALWAYS be your number one guy. Until you have a son....then it's ok for him to be 1.5.

"This ones for all you girls about thirteen, high school can be so rough, can be so mean. Hold onto your innocence, stand your ground when everyone is giving in. This ones for the girls, who've ever had a broken heart, who've ever wished upon a shooting star, you're beautiful the way you are. This ones for the girls who love without holding back, who dream with everything they have, all around the world. This ones for the girls."

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Lots of Love

Valentine's Day was a special day around here. Nothing extraordinary, nothing spectacular, ordinary, really. But special nonetheless.

I kept thinking to myself all day, that I had to make it special, because if we are lucky enough, it could be the last Valentine's Day with just one little Valentine. And I wanted to soak up every ounce of the day in case that is in fact, the case.

We started by adding our final heart to Landon's bedroom door. In case you missed it, I started about three weeks back, adding one heart to Landon's bedroom door every morning telling him something else that we love about him. Him and I read them every morning when I got him out of bed, and Jeremy and him read them every night before he put him down. It was so much fun, and such a wonderful way to remind ourselves just how blessed we really are with this little dude. It's definitely a tradition that will be carried on for years to come, and all of them will be saved. I can't wait to look back one day and see what special pieces of him we loved the absolute most each year. Some of our favorite hearts included...

And of course, the handsome Valentine in front of his love explosion:

We decided that Valentine's Day called for a breakfast more significant than english muffins or cheerios, so we opted for strawberry muffins. But why not make them heart shaped? After all, Pinterest exists for a reason.

Super cute idea, but the heart shape didn't really pan out once they were cooked. But they were still just as delicious, and clearly, Landon didn't mind the shape when it came to devouring....

I do believe that SOME of his two muffins made it in his mouth. But I was also reminded of why muffins are only for "special" mornings. 

The rest of our day was just a lot of snuggling, a lot of loving, and a lot of enjoying. And it was pretty perfect. And of course, we also had a festive lunch....

I assure you, I found this much cooler than Landon did.

Of course, what would Valentine's Day be without a little drama for the mama? Our plan was to pick up dinner from Macaroni Grill and have it here for when Jeremy got home from work. Our adventure began with a missing gift card, went on to car issues involving an incessant beeping and interior light continually flashing on and off, then progressing onto the CD player trying to eat my brand new Tim McGraw CD. Add to it massive traffic, sleet, and a kid was getting beyond irritated, and it all ended with a call to my mother to just vent and scream before I lost my mind. Eventually, we made it home, and dinner was delicious. So all is well that ends well. But there was definitely frustration in between.

Friday was Mama's spa day, which, after the intensity of Thursday night and its stresses, was much welcomed. Dropped Landon off with Jeremy's parents and headed off to lunch with my Mom, then a massage, facial, and hair cut. It. Was. Divine. But I missed Landon horribly and was all too happy to be reunited that evening. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I suppose.

The rest of our weekend has been a lovely mixture of chaos, love and fun. Stopped into Aidan's soccer game Saturday afternoon, and let Landon run wild on the empty fields. That's the way to that kids heart, clearly. Did a lot more staring at paint chips, and feel even more confused than I was before. Amazing. Today we attempted a trip to Lowe's together to get some back splash samples, and that was just a disastrous meltdown situation. But, we think we have at least made a decision on that. So hey! We're getting somewhere. 

Tonight after dinner, somehow we started a full out running game. Jeremy was at one end of the hallway, me at the other, and Landon just kept running back and forth between us, screaming with pure glee, and flying into our arms at each end. As we continued to play and laugh, I was hit with this overwhelming feeling of, "Holy crap. He's ours. Half Jeremy, Half Me, All Ours. We made this. And we are his world." You would think it wouldn't take me until 2 days before his 21 month mark to realize this, and I don't really think it did. But it just hit me hard today. If we are blessed and fortunate enough, one day we'll be a family of more than just us three, so I need to savor and take in these moments now, while they're happening. So that's what I did. I let myself be completely immersed in our game and let it all sink in. And it was beautiful. And I think I was probably more disappointed when Landon started panting and we had to stop, than he was. But it was a blissful 5 minutes for our family of three. And I'll take it. 

So...that's that. Tomorrow is a bank holiday, so we're lucky enough to have another family day while Jeremy has the day off. Although, it involves a trip to the vet for Daphne and me, and my anxiety surrounding THAT task has already begun. Almost as bad as Landon's shot days. Especially for my little anti social ball of fur scaredy cat. 

One of the bloggers I follow, Meredith, over at The Tichenor Family shared a song on her blog yesterday (along with an absolutely heart wrenching, gorgeous video of her beautiful family and their BIG announcement), and I found the lyrics perfectly suited to my feelings this evening, so I'll end with those.

"This kind of love makes me feel ten feet tall, it makes all my problems fall. This kind of love it's what I dreamed about, yeah it fills me up, baby it leaves no doubt. This kind of love it's why I'm standing here, it's something that we can share. I can't enough of this kind of love."

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Random Thought Wednesday

I have a lot of things running through my mind, all very random, and none of which can make up an entire post. So this is just going to be a purge of my brain at the moment. I assure you, there is no theme, or any connecting factor. It is all just pure random garbage.

  • Blake Shelton's newest single, "Sure Be Cool If You Did", I feel fairly certain, was written about the night Jeremy and I met. It's basically perfect. And spot on. It's on repeat around here.
  • Counseling really does make me feel like a normal human. Most of the time.
  • Still not spring? Lame. 
  • If it snows another flake, I will lose my mind. 
  • Friendships die out every day. Others grow every day. I am loving the growth. Surprisingly, I'm only slightly saddened by the dying out.
  • My husband really is a good seed.
  • Landon is learning something new every single day. Watching it is the single coolest thing I will ever do. 
  • Landon is a real person. With a real personality. And it's a damn good one. 
  • Scentsy's "Inner Peace"....where have you been all my life? Why did I not stock pile you during Bring Back My Bar?
  • I'm simultaneously writing this and preparing a meatloaf for dinner. Why both at the same, Kelly? Why?
  • We have made so many Valentine's treats and crafts leading up to tomorrow, that I have nothing special planned for the big day at all. Besides heart shaped sandwiches. That is happening. 
  • A lot of thought, emotion, and talking goes into deciding on the timing for a second baby. A LOT.
  • Landon screamed the neighbor's name yesterday. From his bedroom window. While pounding on it and watching him play across the street. Made me realize, with 150% certainty that we made the right choice to stay here and not move. 
  • Where the hell are Max & Ruby's parents? I mean, seriously. I know I'm not the first to ask, but why has the question never been answered?
  • Germ anxiety hasn't lessened, I'm just learning (or trying to learn) to deal. I haven't decided how this is going. 
  • Success = a trip to Marshall's with two germaphobe mamas and two toddlers that resulted in no temper tantrums, and lots of great buys.
  • Painted my half bath a grayish purple. And it kicks ass. That was a week ago. Maybe before we hit the two week mark I'll fix the places on the ceiling that got paint on them. I said maybe.
  • Tax return has been filed, now show me the money, Uncle Sam, so we can get the rest of these renovations under way. 
  • Fairchild Road between 21 and 23 Mile is the biggest mud bog. It's ridiculous. And is cause for a carwash. 
  • Landon is a counter top food thief. Don't set your plate too close to the edge. You'll be missing valuable food groups by the time you get to it.
  • I need to go wrap presents for the two fellas in this house. Yes. We buy presents for Valentine's Day. Why not? My prediction is that tomorrow will be a play dough heaven around these parts. Bring it on. 

Monday, February 4, 2013

Mommy Woes

This has been a day. One of "those" days.

The type of day that starts with a toddler continually pulling out the bottom drawer of the entertainment center to stand in. Which then proceeded to pushing every button on the very heavy TV. Cue my (probably) irrational fears, and all I could do was see the TV collapsing down on him. He was taken out of the drawer and put into time out at least 6 times. Every single time his time had been served, he was back in the drawer. I tried redirecting, it would only last a maximum of 2 minutes before, you guessed it, he was back in the drawer. Tried to take a shower, locked him in the bathroom with me. Completely obliterated the undersides of the bathroom cabinet, leaving the bathroom in complete shambles, and then broke free. I then had to rush out of the shower and run to the living room soaking wet, because mama vibes set in, and I just knew. Where did I find him? In the drawer. Pushing every button on the TV.

This is where I must remind you that I am human, just like I have said from the very beginning of this blog. And this human mama lost it. There was yelling. A lot of it. Which caused my adventurous boy to start crying hysterically. Which, of course, caused me to start crying hysterically. So now there is yelling, crying, apologizing, more yelling, and yet still, no solution, because I STILL have a toddler standing in a drawer.

Enter my God send, my mother. I call, completely overwhelmed and defeated, and she asks what she can do. Except, I have no idea. Because at the end of the day, I know the root of all of this. We are stir crazy. Completely OVER being stuck in the house. Over the cold, over the winter, over the germs, over my absolutely debilitating fear of the germs. He's bored. I'm going crazy. It's just a bad mix. I am 100% serious when I tell you that I have researched family friendly towns to reside in in Florida. Like...have actually looked at homes online that are currently available to purchase.

But that's neither here nor there I suppose. My mother showed up, less than an hour later, with the fixings for cookie making and open ears. She flat out asked me, "Is this one of those days when you just don't want to do this anymore?". My heart sank. Oh my God, I must be a horrible mother, because I am quite certain that that thought had to of crossed my mind at some point during this mornings fiasco.  But she was also quick to say, "Because it's ok if it is. I had those days, too." Oh wait. This is normal? To feel this overwhelmed with ONE kid? How are people doing it with two? Three? Four? FIVE!? And being so calm and happy? Surely, they are normal, and I am bat shit crazy. Obviously.

My cousin also offered me some solace. She told me that if we are being amazing parents 1/3 of the time, we are doing our jobs, and we both know we are being amazing parents far more than 1/3 of the time. In fact, 95% of the time, I do feel like I'm pretty darn good at this. {For the record, that doesn't mean that I AM good at this 95% of the time, but I at least know that 95% of the time, I am trying my absolute hardest} But there is that 5% that creeps in some times, and this morning, was one of those times.

I also know, that it's not just me. He's a toddler, he's testing his limits, he's learning. But in that moment, I feel like if I was a better parent, he would have absolutely no need or desire to stand in a drawer after being told 50000000 times not to. And those moments....well....they SUCK. Because they are enough to break any mama's spirit and will. And this morning, I felt very broken. Very unsure of how I will ever be able to handle this when God decides to bless us with another baby. Very unsure of myself, and quite frankly, really not liking myself very much.

It also didn't help that in the midst of all this, my hair is continuing to fall out in clumps, and the bare spots are growing by what seems like the millisecond. I can't walk by a mirror without feeling absolutely disgusted, and that gets a girl down. Sorry, maybe that's vain, but it does. Everybody wants to feel like they're at least not "disgusting", and on most days, I don't feel that. In fact, I feel downright nasty. And it's disheartening. I try to look past it, try to tell myself, "Hey! It's ok! You don't need great hair or perfect skin, you're a good mom, and look at your miracle!". But there are moments when it all culminates together and I feel like a shitty, ugly mom. Today was one of those days.

But I thank my Mom, because she did help. Her reassurance, and of course, delicious cookies, did help offer a small bit of clarity.

Tonight, Jeremy and I will be discussing what home improvement projects I can get started on immediately, instead of waiting for spring to start. To give my something to do to pass these (hopefully) last days of winter. To make me feel accomplished. Because when I feel accomplished, I do feel better. Bucket loads better. So....let the planning commence.

And tomorrow, we will leave our house. I will force myself. To go to the store. To do SOMETHING. To just get us out of here. We need it. We also really need Spring. Right now.

And Wednesday, I will go see my counselor again, for the first time in a few months. Because, clearly, I still need to. I thought I was good, and for a while, I was. But I know me, and I know when I'm in a place that I need help, guidance. And I'm there. And I'm not afraid, nor ashamed, to admit it.

Does any of this mean that I don't still love being a mom? No. Does it mean that I want out? Absolutely not. Does it mean that I give up? Nope, not even close. It means that I'm human, and I had a day. Isn't the first time, won't be the last. The goal, however, is that on the next "day", I know what to do, how to snap myself out of it, how to feel better faster. Stay tuned.