Unless you are a die hard Not So Hot Mess Mama reader, and you check in here daily, without me having to post to facebook, you didn't see my last post. I went back and forth with myself on whether or not I should post it for public viewing, or if I should even publish it at all. And while it was a cathartic feeling to at least put it in print, I just couldn't bring myself to put it out there for everyone else to see. Needless to say, a few of you sneaky folks found it anyway. And you offered your love and support, and I'm so appreciative of you for it. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go ahead and scroll down and read it, then join us back here for the rest of this word vomit that is about to come spewing out of my mouth.
Caught up? Ok. Great.
Today was my follow up appointment after the biopsy. When I say I wanted to puke the entire way there, that's an understatement. I swear to you, I felt like I would have a heart attack and drop dead before he could tell me the awful news that I was dying anyway. I had serious conversations with God all the way to the office. Promising to be a better person, a better mother, a better wife. I wouldn't talk badly about anyone, ever again. I would be in church every single Sunday, even though my toddler makes it feel impossible. I would volunteer. I would do anything He wanted, just as long as He let me be ok. I talked to Him like he was my friend, then I begged him like my life depended on it (which, it kind of did). In honor of all my promises to God, I held the door for an amputee on my way into the building, I ran to get the door for the woman on crutches. I was as sweet as could be to everyone I came in contact with, even though inside I felt like a crazy person. I waited patiently for my turn, and when I got into the room, and continued on with the longest wait of my life, I plead with God a little more. With all my angels. Told them all how much I missed them and loved them, but assured them that I wanted to keep missing them for longer. I wasn't ready to be with them again yet. I did everything I could think of to keep me from running through the halls and finding the doctor myself.
The door finally opened, and in came a woman I didn't know. Oh shit. She must be the one he sends in to give the bad news. She introduced herself as a PA Student, and wanted to know if she could go over my results with me. If the whole building was shaking in response to MY shaking at this point, I wouldn't be surprised. It felt like it was taking her 10 years to get to the biopsy. She went over my blood work, my ultrasound. I was SCREAMING inside. But, my promises to God made me keep smiling at the poor girl who was just trying to follow protocol. Finally, she looked at me, and with the sweetest smile she could offer, said "Kelly, you're fine. There is no sign of cancer. Doctor will go over the rest of the detail with you, but it's good news".
The breath that I took after she said those words felt like it was the first breath I had ever taken. I instantly felt 12000 pounds lighter. And she could tell. She started telling me the possible reasons causing my pain and swelling, and after a long discussion, told me that she would assume I would be a good candidate for thyroid removal because of my symptoms. But, of course, she couldn't make that call, so she would go out to brief the doctor and then they would be back in.
As soon as she left the room, I immediately got on my phone and started texting the half dozen or so of the most amazing people in my life and letting them know that I was ok. I wanted to get up and do jumping jacks and cartwheels, but I refrained. When they finally came back in, I really kind of wanted to run into the doctor's arms and hug him like no other. But I refrained from that too. He really is the sweetest man, and at the beginning of this, I found faith in him simply because he told me that him and God would figure it all out. A doctor who believes in science AND a higher power is my kind of guy. But anyway. He smiled his super sweet doctor smile and said he was so happy to tell me that I was cancer free. He went on to tell me that the pain and swelling could be from an infection, although my blood work didn't show any sign. Before he jumps to anything drastic, he wants me to take a 5 day dose of Prednisone, and check back after that. It could be that that's all I need. Or, we may need to take the next step, and possibly remove HALF the thyroid, as in, only the side with the nodule. When I DO choose to get pregnant again, the likelihood is that the pregnancy hormones are going to make it grow larger, so it may be best to get it out before then. But regardless, if it does grow, it's ok, at least we know it's safe and normal and nothing horribly dangerous. AMEN!!!! At the end of the appointment, I felt unbelievable relief, yet still somewhat lacking any definite answers. BUT. At least I know he has a plan, and I am SO thankful for that. We are on the road to fixing this problem. As my mother in law would say, I'm closer than I've ever been. That's all I could really ask for today, and that's what I got.
So, again, to all of you who have been on this journey with me from the start, thank you for all the phone calls, texts, reassurance, love, patience, and understanding. All of you that listened to me panic, listened to me cry and vent about how angry I was. You are all amazing. I can't say that enough. You are all, hands down, one of the biggest things I am thankful for this Thanksgiving. Love, hugs and kisses.
Ahhhhhh. So nice to just be able to breathe.
But, in the mean time, I had to find something to keep myself from going absolutely bat shit crazy worrying over all of this. So, I did what any crazed woman would do, and went to Salvation Army. I have been wanting to do a buffet or side table for my kitchen for a while now. We had those standard 3x3 "cubbies" in there, which were housing pictures and what not, but really not serving much purpose, and just sat there looking all....college-esque. Just not the feel that I wanted. So I went on a hunt. I was between two dressers and couldn't decide, then on my way back up to the front of the store, I walked by a piece that I had probably walked by about 6 times already, and had paid no attention to it.
Now again, I had my mother saying, "WHAT? THAT?". But yes, Sandra. THAT. That's what I want. So $43 later, we were out the door and on our way to buy supplies. And really, the piece was amazing. I was in love with the hardware, and how much storage it would offer me in my over crowded kitchen.
So I threw myself into it, and within about 30 hours it was completely sanded, primed, painted, hardware painted, put back together, and in my kitchen. And, I am....in.....LOVE!!!! Even more than the entertainment center (which I am still head over heels for). But holy cow. This sucker? My heart stops a little over how good it came out and how perfect it looks in its new home.
Complete with a runner from my Grandmother that I wasn't sure I would ever use, and a picture of two of the cutest little turkeys I know. Amazing. A beautiful distraction that turned out to be a beautiful addition. Even Jeremy didn't fight me on this one. Now THAT my friends, is a win.
Also, today, I committed to making the stuffing that Jeremy's grandmother used to make. I feel a little bit petrified. What if I screw it up and shame her? And everybody hates it? And me? But no. I can do this. And I will do this in a baking dish that I have of hers, so she can go to dinner with us. Eeek. Wish me luck.
All in all, I have more things than I can count to be thankful for tomorrow. And I can't wait to celebrate with those that I love the most. And I can't wait to go put my little monkey in some adorable Santa jammies to watch the Thanksgiving day parade in and help mommy cook tomorrow morning! I hope you all have a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving with your families and friends. And good luck to all you crazies who brave the Black Friday madness. This mama will be with her little man at the local hardware store when Santa arrives via helicopter (seriously, coolest ever, I LOVED this day when I was a kid, and I'm so excited to share it with Landon), and decorating my house in Christmas, Christmas, Christmas! And Sunday, it's CHRISTMAS TREE time!!! Oh boy, can't wait!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, LOVELIES!!!! xoxoxoxoxo
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