Monday, February 4, 2013

Mommy Woes

This has been a day. One of "those" days.

The type of day that starts with a toddler continually pulling out the bottom drawer of the entertainment center to stand in. Which then proceeded to pushing every button on the very heavy TV. Cue my (probably) irrational fears, and all I could do was see the TV collapsing down on him. He was taken out of the drawer and put into time out at least 6 times. Every single time his time had been served, he was back in the drawer. I tried redirecting, it would only last a maximum of 2 minutes before, you guessed it, he was back in the drawer. Tried to take a shower, locked him in the bathroom with me. Completely obliterated the undersides of the bathroom cabinet, leaving the bathroom in complete shambles, and then broke free. I then had to rush out of the shower and run to the living room soaking wet, because mama vibes set in, and I just knew. Where did I find him? In the drawer. Pushing every button on the TV.

This is where I must remind you that I am human, just like I have said from the very beginning of this blog. And this human mama lost it. There was yelling. A lot of it. Which caused my adventurous boy to start crying hysterically. Which, of course, caused me to start crying hysterically. So now there is yelling, crying, apologizing, more yelling, and yet still, no solution, because I STILL have a toddler standing in a drawer.

Enter my God send, my mother. I call, completely overwhelmed and defeated, and she asks what she can do. Except, I have no idea. Because at the end of the day, I know the root of all of this. We are stir crazy. Completely OVER being stuck in the house. Over the cold, over the winter, over the germs, over my absolutely debilitating fear of the germs. He's bored. I'm going crazy. It's just a bad mix. I am 100% serious when I tell you that I have researched family friendly towns to reside in in Florida. Like...have actually looked at homes online that are currently available to purchase.

But that's neither here nor there I suppose. My mother showed up, less than an hour later, with the fixings for cookie making and open ears. She flat out asked me, "Is this one of those days when you just don't want to do this anymore?". My heart sank. Oh my God, I must be a horrible mother, because I am quite certain that that thought had to of crossed my mind at some point during this mornings fiasco.  But she was also quick to say, "Because it's ok if it is. I had those days, too." Oh wait. This is normal? To feel this overwhelmed with ONE kid? How are people doing it with two? Three? Four? FIVE!? And being so calm and happy? Surely, they are normal, and I am bat shit crazy. Obviously.

My cousin also offered me some solace. She told me that if we are being amazing parents 1/3 of the time, we are doing our jobs, and we both know we are being amazing parents far more than 1/3 of the time. In fact, 95% of the time, I do feel like I'm pretty darn good at this. {For the record, that doesn't mean that I AM good at this 95% of the time, but I at least know that 95% of the time, I am trying my absolute hardest} But there is that 5% that creeps in some times, and this morning, was one of those times.

I also know, that it's not just me. He's a toddler, he's testing his limits, he's learning. But in that moment, I feel like if I was a better parent, he would have absolutely no need or desire to stand in a drawer after being told 50000000 times not to. And those moments....well....they SUCK. Because they are enough to break any mama's spirit and will. And this morning, I felt very broken. Very unsure of how I will ever be able to handle this when God decides to bless us with another baby. Very unsure of myself, and quite frankly, really not liking myself very much.

It also didn't help that in the midst of all this, my hair is continuing to fall out in clumps, and the bare spots are growing by what seems like the millisecond. I can't walk by a mirror without feeling absolutely disgusted, and that gets a girl down. Sorry, maybe that's vain, but it does. Everybody wants to feel like they're at least not "disgusting", and on most days, I don't feel that. In fact, I feel downright nasty. And it's disheartening. I try to look past it, try to tell myself, "Hey! It's ok! You don't need great hair or perfect skin, you're a good mom, and look at your miracle!". But there are moments when it all culminates together and I feel like a shitty, ugly mom. Today was one of those days.

But I thank my Mom, because she did help. Her reassurance, and of course, delicious cookies, did help offer a small bit of clarity.

Tonight, Jeremy and I will be discussing what home improvement projects I can get started on immediately, instead of waiting for spring to start. To give my something to do to pass these (hopefully) last days of winter. To make me feel accomplished. Because when I feel accomplished, I do feel better. Bucket loads better. So....let the planning commence.

And tomorrow, we will leave our house. I will force myself. To go to the store. To do SOMETHING. To just get us out of here. We need it. We also really need Spring. Right now.

And Wednesday, I will go see my counselor again, for the first time in a few months. Because, clearly, I still need to. I thought I was good, and for a while, I was. But I know me, and I know when I'm in a place that I need help, guidance. And I'm there. And I'm not afraid, nor ashamed, to admit it.

Does any of this mean that I don't still love being a mom? No. Does it mean that I want out? Absolutely not. Does it mean that I give up? Nope, not even close. It means that I'm human, and I had a day. Isn't the first time, won't be the last. The goal, however, is that on the next "day", I know what to do, how to snap myself out of it, how to feel better faster. Stay tuned.

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