Rock Your Red

This is no doubt about to be a controversial post, so let me preface it by saying this:

I support gays and marriage equality.
I believe in God.

If you disagree with me, but believe that everybody is entitled to their own beliefs and thoughts, then please, feel free to continue reading.

If you disagree with me, and believe that I am an advocate for the devil's work and am spreading sin, then please click out of this window right now. We have nothing else to discuss.

I have a friend. My first friend in this world. A boy. Believes in God. Liked to give me scars and beat up on me. Always had my back. Would play the husband when we played house, and on one of my all time favorite home videos, says the words, "Honey....will you please hand me the coffee cup?". Would have wars with me in my basement with our cassette players: his playing Michael Bolton, mine playing Barry Manilow (hey....we were children of the 80's). Would also fight with me over who got to carry the hot pink purse when we played dress up.

In high school, my friend confirmed what most of us had long believed; he is gay. And that day, I knew that I had a job to support him and love him more than ever. That was also the day that I formed a belief system on the entire "gay topic", that I refuse to waiver from.

Do I believe, for even a second, that at 5 years old, he had the mind set to "choose" to have a natural inclination to want to the hot pink purse? Do I think that at 16, he "chose" to be ridiculed, criticized, taunted, bullied, hated? Do I think that today, at 28, he wakes up every morning and "chooses" to go against what society says is "right"? No. Not for even a millisecond do I believe any of those things.

Instead, I believe that the God that both him and I believe in, made him exactly how he wanted him. And HE chose to make him gay. And by doing that, he gave me a person that I admire, love, and respect more than most straight people in this world. My friend is a beautiful, amazing person. So is his boyfriend. And they have a relationship that is more solid, loving and REAL, than so many of the "conventional" relationships I know. And it really, really drives me insane, when I hear anybody tell me that they aren't entitled to that relationship.

I go to church. I read the Bible. I love and trust God. And just like I believe that God made my friend the way he is, I believe He made me to love and support him. I don't think God makes mistakes. And I certainly don't believe my friend is one.

You don't have to agree with me, you don't have to believe the same things I believe. But, if you are as Christian as some of you claim to be, you will listen and respect me. My own husband and parents don't share my same set of beliefs. But....my parents watched me and my friend grow up together, and they love him. My husband knows how strongly I feel, and welcomed my friend into our wedding party....because he likes HIM.

My question is this.....so you believe in marriage being solely for a man and a woman. How does the marriage of two men REALLY effect YOU? It doesn't. You still get to marry YOUR choice of human. Nobody is taking that away from you. You still get to believe exactly what you want, nobody is taking THAT away from you. What I would LOVE to take away from you is your pure and utter hatred, because THAT isn't ok.

Do you hate that man because he's black? No, because he didn't choose to be born black, and then you'd be racist. Do you hate that woman because she has cancer and can't pay her bills? No, because she didn't choose either of those things, and you'd be a pretty evil person. So why does being "christian" allow you to hate my friend for loving another man? For the life of me, I can't see how it does.

I know a few people who will read this, probably "de-friend" me, and for the rest of their lives, look down on me. That's ok. If that's how you feel because I love without boundaries and exceptions, then I don't really need your approval anyway. And I don't need my son knowing that kind of hate. Because I am raising him to see the world as a beautiful place. Where people can be whoever they are, without shame or guilt.

I also know a few people who have chosen to just not discuss this topic with me, my father included. Because we will never see eye to eye. And I will NEVER back down on how I feel. And those same people know that if they make a rude, uneducated, hateful remark, I WILL blow. I don't sit back and let that slide, and I DO get angry. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and beliefs, absolutely, but that doesn't entitle ANYONE to harbor hate.

After a particularly ugly episode with my father and husband on this subject, I asked my counselor why I get SO heated. I believe a LOT of things, but they don't drive me to such anger, and tears, when someone disagrees with me. And she hit the nail on the head. I sat back and listened to people say things when my friend came out. I let them say evil, hurtful things. And for the most part, I didn't say a damn thing. Because I didn't want them to think I was gay. I didn't want them to hate me. I never joined in on the rude remarks, but I never stopped them either. I realize I was young, and a high schooler, and it was probably a natural reaction at 15. But now, it doesn't seem natural at all. And it kills me. Kills me that I didn't stand up and tell them all how absolutely ridiculous they are. How wonderful of a person he is. Kills me that I just let it all go because I was afraid of how I would look, while one of my very best friends was hurting. Makes me sick, actually. And now, I refuse to EVER let someone make me feel bad about supporting him, or for believing what I believe. I owe it to the person who would walk through fire for me, to do the same for him.

At the end of the day, I could sit here and rant for hours. Fill this post with studies and statistics, but I don't need to. Because I believe what I believe. And I'm not here to force you to feel the same way. I'm just here to say that today, and every day, I support marriage equality, and I pray (to GOD) every night, that one day, I'll be able to watch my dear friend marry the love of his life, and that I'll get to watch them have a family (oh yeah, I'm totally cool with that too, if you hadn't already guessed). Why? Because they deserve it. More than most. They have a love that deserves to be celebrated every day. They are PEOPLE that deserve to be celebrated every day. Just like you. Just like me.

Drama, Drama, Drama

Once again, no, I haven't not given up on this little blog. Life has just been insanely hectic, and sitting down to type something longer than a quick response to an email has been...well....impossible.

So what's been happening?

Well....our entire house got an overhaul. We were expecting none of it to start until probably mid-March, and yet, it's already entirely done. We lucked out! Our tile guy got us in one day after coming to give us a quote, and our painter had an opening and got us in 2 weeks ahead of schedule. And let me tell ya....thank God they did.

It was mass chaos around here for the entirety of last week, and for two days, Landon and I were locked in my bedroom from 8 am until about 4pm....which is enough to make us both go crazy. The first couple hours on the first day, he thought it was the best thing ever. We got to eat snacks in bed, do our puzzles, color, paint with shaving cream in the shower, eat lunch at his mini table....next to my bed....he was in heaven. By about 12:30 that first day though, he had had enough. And we still had many more hours to go. To say that we both survived is really a huge accomplishment. And the fact that I didn't go absolutely, lock-me-up-in-a-padded-room crazy with the complete and utter disarray of my house for those few days.....THAT is downright amazing.

But we made it through and it was SO worth those few agonizing days! It all looks AMAZING! Everybody keeps asking for pictures, and I'm getting there, but I'm still working on some finishing touches, so I don't want to jump the gun. We have an area rug on order for the kitchen, I still have some pictures to hang, a few projects to make and hang. We're getting there. At least it's all functional. And once it's all entirely complete.....there will be a LOT of pictures!

Aside from our house getting a makeover, Landon got one of his own this weekend. The dreaded hair cut. If anyone has seen my child in person over the last month or so, you know how badly he needed the hair cut. But if you know him, you also know that getting a hair cut is the equivalent of putting him in the electric chair. The kid doesn't deal well. At ALL. It's almost as if he can feel every single hair being cut, which makes me wonder if he has some weird, rare disease. Although, I'm guessing, he's just an average toddler. With a little more than average lung power.

So we tried last weekend.....thought we'd take him to lunch, and then to Carnival Cuts, since that is where everyone has told us to go. Yes, well, the wait was an hour, we were coming up on nap time, and they expected him to sit, strapped in, to that little race car? Sooooo not going to happen. So we resigned and said we'd try again. So Saturday came, and it was time. Nap time had been successful, we had suckers in hand, and we headed out to find someone who could put up with the demon that comes out of him when he's near scissors.

Here is where I must say, I think we have eternally ruined the sweet young girl who unknowingly agreed to cut this angelic boys hair. He came in, all smiles and waves and giggles, and she said "of course!!!". We assured her that he didn't like it, tried to warn her. She assured us it was "fine" and that "we get nervous kids allllll the time". Ooook. If you say so. So we get ourselves into position. Jeremy is caped up, Landon on lap, sucker in hand, Baby Einstein on my phone. Then it happened. She made her first mistake. She picked up a comb, and ran it through his hair. Suddenly, he knew exactly what was happening, and he wasn't cool with it.

Next came the blood curdling screams, the back arching, the pleas, the aggravation. Sweet young girl was trying her hardest to wait for him to calm down. I quickly let her know it wasn't going to happen, just go for it. Just get it over with. And holy hell did she ever. Her first cut.....I'm pretty sure I almost passed out. Let's step back in time for a second and remember his last four hair cuts. We have gone to Jeremy's cousin, who is a perfectionist and goes slowly, taking only a little bit at a time, in case he absolutely refuses to let her continue, at least it will be even. I was good with that. Took forever, but at least it wasn't extreme. This chick....oh no. A solid three inches, one swipe. And that's when I just knew. Nobody was going to be happy when we left.

By the end of the ordeal, the poor girl was shaking, Landon looked like he took a weed whacker to his head, I was traumatized, and Jeremy was exhausted. Annnnd.....everyone else in the salon at the time? They'll never be the same.

Had to come home and try to attempt to clean it up a bit ourselves, which was a whole new war to wage. But we got it a little more even....I think? I must say, the girl did a phenomenal job. She really did. She worked SO fast, and she didn't smack him. It's not her fault. And I do hold extreme guilt for the nightmares she will probably have for the rest of her lifetime. My child is just a special breed when it comes to hair cutting. At least it's so short, we won't have to worry about it for a while again. But eventually....it will need to be cut again. Like before his 2 year pictures. And I think I may have to have a surrogate mommy go. I don't know how much more of that my heart can handle.

Yesterday, seeing as we had traumatized him the day before, we figured we would have a nice little family day. We had errands to run, so we figured we'd add lunch in, some Spring / Summer clothes shopping for the little guy, it'd be perfect. Sun was shining, we didn't need to wear coats, what could go wrong? Everything. Everything could go wrong, of course. First meltdown came in Kohls, when he decided the stroller was no longer doin' it for him, and he was over being held. Fine. Hurry up, finish, got everything we needed, we were good. So let's try lunch. Again.....the people in that restaurant will never be the same. We have officially had to leave our first restaurant, and leave our first delicious meal behind. We tried everything, but it became incredibly obvious that nothing was going to work, so I threw in the towel, and took him to the car. I was mortified, he was STILL screaming, and a huge sense of defeat fell over me.

My kid is that kid. That kid that I swore I would never have. That kid that screams through lunch and throws himself onto store floors when he doesn't get his way. How the hell did this happen? I have worked my tail off this last 21, almost 22, months to ensure that this wouldn't be the outcome. We have taken him to countless restaurants, so he knew how to behave. We take him shopping, so he knows how to behave. And on the average day, he really does do amazing. And no, I'm not just saying that because he's my kid and I want you to think he's perfect. Go back and reread everything I have just written, I have absolutely NO problem owning up to the fact that he can be absolutely insane sometimes. And I have absolutely NO problem owning up to the fact that there are probably things that I am doing as a mother that are contributing to him acting that way. And that stinks. Big time. Because I really am trying my absolute hardest. But I also have to remind myself that NO child is perfect. They all have their moments. This weekend, my child's just all happened to be in public. Which is embarrassing, but it happened, and there's nothing I can do now, except to hopefully stop it from happening again.  Which it probably will. And when it does, I will be back to thinking I am an awful parent because I can't control my kid. And there will be more mommy-tears, and lots more mommy-frustrations. And probably a lot more posts about the insanity. Jeremy tells me these are the stories that one day we'll laugh about. I'm not there yet. Right now I'm still stuck between disappointed (in him AND myself) and embarrassment. And being downright thankful that we will probably never see any of the people that experienced his tornado this weekend, ever again.

Clearly, he wore himself right on out, because he slept until 9:30 this morning. I'd love to credit the time change, but he still went to bed at 8 last night, so it was just a result of being utterly exhausted after all of his shenanigans this weekend. And yes, when I went in to get him at 9:30 today (after getting TWO bathrooms cleaned, and a load of laundry started....whoooo hooooo!), I retrieved my sweet, loving, calm little boy with a crazy hair cut. He was all smiles, hugs and kisses, and for a few moments, I completely forgot about this weekend and all the downs. I was stuck in an "up" with him, and it was exactly what I needed. Here's to hoping the rest of today stays stuck in "up".

Some Current Obsessions

It's another list kind of day. Because it's snowing outside AGAIN and it makes me dark and dismal and dreary and putting together any kind of lengthy, meaningful words just seems like too much work for me and this cup of joe beside me.

So today....it's my list of current obsessions. Because I have a few.

• Clearly, this here little corner of the internet has gotten a small makeover. Gray, Chevron and I are having a moment. As I'm about to paint half my house gray, I'm planning for all the small ways I can bring chevron in without overdoing it. I feel like it's a fine line, and I don't want to cross it.
• Change. I'm obsessing over change. I've changed my half bath and now my laundry room, with paint. We are preparing to change our living room, foyer, hallway and kitchen with paint. I am feeling an extreme need for all this change and new things to look at. 
• Babies. I feel like I have finally reached a point of feeling like we are truly ready to add to our family of three. When it will happen, I have no idea. But I feel 100% ready for the first time; I feel like I'm realizing that maybe there is another soul that belongs in this family. 
• My friends babies. I had a long talk with a good friend yesterday about how excited I am for all my friends to become moms. Because I know, without a doubt, there is not a single one of them that isn't going to kick ass at it. And now as a mom myself, I want to see all of them love this much. I want to see the moment when they go from thinking I'm crazy to totally understanding. Because it's coming. And I can't wait to see it. I can't wait to share it with them and spoil the crap out of those babies. 
• My kid. I'm obsessing over my kid lately. His every move, his every word, his every smile, his every breath. I'm just flat out obsessed with him. Especially when we're sitting at the table, eating breakfast, and he takes a bite of his waffle and says, "Mmmm. Dats weel good". Yep, that happened this morning. Right now, he's sitting on a plate and scooching (is that a real word? I can't find correct spelling.....?) himself around the kitchen, cracking up. Whatever works, dude. But I'm a little sad it's not the mounds of toys that you have sitting here. 
• Odwalla Strawberry Banana Smoothies. Obsessed.
• I have a serious determination when it comes to tricking the cat into taking her antibiotic, and I get a very strange thrill when it works and she didn't even see it coming. Last night, it happened at 10:15 and Jeremy was not nearly excited as I was when I accomplished my feat. In fact, I think he said, through closed eyes, "You're insane". 
• Still obsessed with finding a new home....in Florida. Some days I know it's just ridiculous talk, other days, I'm so dead serious, it's not funny, and I get a little pissy when people don't believe me. Today I'm feeling is one of those days. STOP WITH THE FREAKING SNOW ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!
• Paint chip colors. I think I'm settled and ready to hand them to the painter, and then....nope. Not quite. Gray is a tricky business.
• Grey's Anatomy. I fell off there for a while, but I've been back these last two seasons and holy cow. I'm still madly in love. Especially with McDreamy. How does one individual get better looking every episode? I mean, seriously.
• Landon would like to add his list of obsessions to this list. They currently include: chasing the cat, kitchen chairs, play dough, picking up crumbs, and fruit twists. His cat hates the chasing, his mother hates the crawling on the kitchen chairs, the play dough and fruit twists I'm ok with, and the crumb picking....I'm undecided. Part of me says "YAY! He's a clean freak like me!". The other part of me says "Oh shit. He's a clean freak like me!". 
• I have been singing "Squirmy, squirmy wormy. Squirmy, squirmy wormy" for 20 minutes now. Thanks, Little Bill. This isn't an obsession I was looking to have.

Hope you all have a great weekend, and that you stay WARM and safe from the freaking snow! 

This One's For The Girls

I know girls. A few of them. All around the same "teenage" or "tween" age. Some of them share blood with me. Some of them don't, but I love them just as much. And they're all different. Each one. All unique. All amazing, wonderful, beautiful girls.

I was their age....not THAT long ago. I remember it vividly. I remember the heartbreaks. The "instant messages" which are now texts. I remember wanting to be cool. I remember wanting the popular girls to like me. I remember it all like it was yesterday.

But here's the thing. I wasn't cool. At least not to the "cool kids". The popular girls didn't hate me, but they didn't want to hang out with me, either. The "cute boys" didn't like me, hell, they probably didn't even notice me. When my name was read at graduation, I am fairly certain that a large number of my fellow students probably said, "Who?".

And there were days when all of it was horribly painful. I wanted to be pretty. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted everybody to love me.

And these girls I know, whether they admit it or not, all feel the same way. For some of them, it's not painful at all. Nope. Because they ARE the popular one. The pretty one. The one all the boys like. Some of them are more like me. Not hideously "unpopular", but not invited to the hottest parties every week either.

I could turn this into a big spiel about how much more I relate with those girls. Because let's be honest, I do. But I'm not going to. Because at the end of the day, what I want to say is for ALL the girls. Cool, uncool. Popular, unpopular. Cheerleader, band member. Whatever they are.

And I know that what I'm about to say is so much easier to say now that I'm through it, and it's over for me. But....if I had known then what I know now, maybe I wouldn't have spent so many nights crying to friends over SILLY things. Because while they seem huge to you now, I promise you, they aren't.

That cute boy that you're "in love" with? The one you are crying over because he likes that "other" girl? He most likely won't be your husband. You'll probably never see him again after graduation. Your soul mate is out there. And probably not sitting two rows ahead of you in English class. Don't sweat it. Really.

That pretty girl that all the boys like? She probably won't marry any of them either. So don't envy her. She seems perfect to you because they like her. But you have no idea. You don't know what it's like for her at home. You don't know why all the boys like her. And trust me, if they like her for the wrong reasons, you do NOT want to be like her. I promise.

And if you ARE that pretty girl? Stop trying so damn hard. Any boy worth your time will like you for (drumroll please....because it's about to get corny) your PERSONALITY. Not your boobs hanging out of your shirt. Or the bottom half of your ass cheeks hanging out of your shorts. The boys who like that want ONE thing, and I promise you, it's not to live happily ever after with you. And being vulgar to get their attention? Not cute either. Maybe it is to them now, but one day, when your kid is asking you why there are naked pictures of you online somewhere laced with curse words and awful things, you'll regret those five minutes of popularity it all earned you.

You don't NEED to go to the party and get drunk on Friday night. You really don't. Hanging out at home won't kill you. In fact, it definitely won't. That party might. Don't be dumb. Might be "cool" now, but it won't be later. Trust me.

Middle school, high school, none of it lasts. It'll be over before you know it. And then what does being "popular" mean? Nothing. Sorry. Doesn't help you in college. Won't help you in the real world. Your awesome bubble will pop the day you're out of that school. So I'm hoping that your bubble is filled with good grades, true friends, and lots of laughs, and not sleezy pictures, drunken nights and pregnancy scares. (No, you don't want to be on Teen Mom....those girls are NOT what you need to be aspiring to)

Some of these girls I know will read this. Some of them might say to themselves "Ok...I really am ok. I'm going to be something someday and high school doesn't last forever". Some of them will roll their eyes and say "Oh my God, she's SO lame. She IS such a loser". Whatever you say, that's ok. Just remember it all. Because one day, when you're sitting in your kitchen watching your kid play and make every animal noise in the book, while you wait for your husband to come home, you'll realize that I'm right.

To the ones that do read it, and take it in, I love you. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, know that I'm always here. You are perfect just the way you are. Don't let anybody tell you any different. And please, do trust me when I say..... your life will turn out just the way you want it to, if you work for it. If you stay focused, and you make the right choices, you WILL get exactly what you want.

To the ones who think I'm "like the biggest nerd, ever", I love you, too. I only want the very best for you, and I know exactly what you're capable of, and exactly what you're worth. And it's more than the vodka and mini skirts. You are BEAUTIFUL, and you don't need to flaunt it so much to be just as gorgeous. And your heart is amazing.....let someone see THAT first. Please. I'm here for you too though, if things go too far one night and you feel like shit in the morning. I'll pick you up, cry with you, whatever. But be prepared for reminders that you are better than all of it.

And to the mama's of these beautiful girls, you're amazing. You have phenomenal daughters. Remind them of that daily. And remind yourself, too.

To the Daddy's, give these girls love, lots of it. Don't make them search in the wrong places for the wrong kind of love. Give them the right kind, constantly. Tell them they're beautiful, that you love them, that they are your world. Because I know they are.

And to Landon, be the "good guy". Like the "other" girl. The one who isn't always perfect, but the one whose real. See her heart, not her body. None of them will ever be good enough for you in my eyes, but don't drive me to heavy drinking with your choices. Make your mama proud.

And to any future daughter that I may or may not be blessed with, you're perfect. Gorgeous. Listen to mommy when I say you don't need to be extreme to be loved. And know that your father should ALWAYS be your number one guy. Until you have a son....then it's ok for him to be 1.5.


"This ones for all you girls about thirteen, high school can be so rough, can be so mean. Hold onto your innocence, stand your ground when everyone is giving in. This ones for the girls, who've ever had a broken heart, who've ever wished upon a shooting star, you're beautiful the way you are. This ones for the girls who love without holding back, who dream with everything they have, all around the world. This ones for the girls."

Lots of Love

Valentine's Day was a special day around here. Nothing extraordinary, nothing spectacular, ordinary, really. But special nonetheless.

I kept thinking to myself all day, that I had to make it special, because if we are lucky enough, it could be the last Valentine's Day with just one little Valentine. And I wanted to soak up every ounce of the day in case that is in fact, the case.

We started by adding our final heart to Landon's bedroom door. In case you missed it, I started about three weeks back, adding one heart to Landon's bedroom door every morning telling him something else that we love about him. Him and I read them every morning when I got him out of bed, and Jeremy and him read them every night before he put him down. It was so much fun, and such a wonderful way to remind ourselves just how blessed we really are with this little dude. It's definitely a tradition that will be carried on for years to come, and all of them will be saved. I can't wait to look back one day and see what special pieces of him we loved the absolute most each year. Some of our favorite hearts included...

And of course, the handsome Valentine in front of his love explosion:

We decided that Valentine's Day called for a breakfast more significant than english muffins or cheerios, so we opted for strawberry muffins. But why not make them heart shaped? After all, Pinterest exists for a reason.

Super cute idea, but the heart shape didn't really pan out once they were cooked. But they were still just as delicious, and clearly, Landon didn't mind the shape when it came to devouring....

I do believe that SOME of his two muffins made it in his mouth. But I was also reminded of why muffins are only for "special" mornings. 

The rest of our day was just a lot of snuggling, a lot of loving, and a lot of enjoying. And it was pretty perfect. And of course, we also had a festive lunch....

I assure you, I found this much cooler than Landon did.

Of course, what would Valentine's Day be without a little drama for the mama? Our plan was to pick up dinner from Macaroni Grill and have it here for when Jeremy got home from work. Our adventure began with a missing gift card, went on to car issues involving an incessant beeping and interior light continually flashing on and off, then progressing onto the CD player trying to eat my brand new Tim McGraw CD. Add to it massive traffic, sleet, and a kid was getting beyond irritated, and it all ended with a call to my mother to just vent and scream before I lost my mind. Eventually, we made it home, and dinner was delicious. So all is well that ends well. But there was definitely frustration in between.

Friday was Mama's spa day, which, after the intensity of Thursday night and its stresses, was much welcomed. Dropped Landon off with Jeremy's parents and headed off to lunch with my Mom, then a massage, facial, and hair cut. It. Was. Divine. But I missed Landon horribly and was all too happy to be reunited that evening. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I suppose.

The rest of our weekend has been a lovely mixture of chaos, love and fun. Stopped into Aidan's soccer game Saturday afternoon, and let Landon run wild on the empty fields. That's the way to that kids heart, clearly. Did a lot more staring at paint chips, and feel even more confused than I was before. Amazing. Today we attempted a trip to Lowe's together to get some back splash samples, and that was just a disastrous meltdown situation. But, we think we have at least made a decision on that. So hey! We're getting somewhere. 

Tonight after dinner, somehow we started a full out running game. Jeremy was at one end of the hallway, me at the other, and Landon just kept running back and forth between us, screaming with pure glee, and flying into our arms at each end. As we continued to play and laugh, I was hit with this overwhelming feeling of, "Holy crap. He's ours. Half Jeremy, Half Me, All Ours. We made this. And we are his world." You would think it wouldn't take me until 2 days before his 21 month mark to realize this, and I don't really think it did. But it just hit me hard today. If we are blessed and fortunate enough, one day we'll be a family of more than just us three, so I need to savor and take in these moments now, while they're happening. So that's what I did. I let myself be completely immersed in our game and let it all sink in. And it was beautiful. And I think I was probably more disappointed when Landon started panting and we had to stop, than he was. But it was a blissful 5 minutes for our family of three. And I'll take it. 

So...that's that. Tomorrow is a bank holiday, so we're lucky enough to have another family day while Jeremy has the day off. Although, it involves a trip to the vet for Daphne and me, and my anxiety surrounding THAT task has already begun. Almost as bad as Landon's shot days. Especially for my little anti social ball of fur scaredy cat. 

One of the bloggers I follow, Meredith, over at The Tichenor Family shared a song on her blog yesterday (along with an absolutely heart wrenching, gorgeous video of her beautiful family and their BIG announcement), and I found the lyrics perfectly suited to my feelings this evening, so I'll end with those.

"This kind of love makes me feel ten feet tall, it makes all my problems fall. This kind of love it's what I dreamed about, yeah it fills me up, baby it leaves no doubt. This kind of love it's why I'm standing here, it's something that we can share. I can't enough of this kind of love."

Random Thought Wednesday

I have a lot of things running through my mind, all very random, and none of which can make up an entire post. So this is just going to be a purge of my brain at the moment. I assure you, there is no theme, or any connecting factor. It is all just pure random garbage.

• Blake Shelton's newest single, "Sure Be Cool If You Did", I feel fairly certain, was written about the night Jeremy and I met. It's basically perfect. And spot on. It's on repeat around here.
• Counseling really does make me feel like a normal human. Most of the time.
• Still not spring? Lame. 
• If it snows another flake, I will lose my mind. 
• Friendships die out every day. Others grow every day. I am loving the growth. Surprisingly, I'm only slightly saddened by the dying out.
• My husband really is a good seed.
• Landon is learning something new every single day. Watching it is the single coolest thing I will ever do. 
• Landon is a real person. With a real personality. And it's a damn good one. 
• Scentsy's "Inner Peace"....where have you been all my life? Why did I not stock pile you during Bring Back My Bar?
• I'm simultaneously writing this and preparing a meatloaf for dinner. Why both at the same, Kelly? Why?
• We have made so many Valentine's treats and crafts leading up to tomorrow, that I have nothing special planned for the big day at all. Besides heart shaped sandwiches. That is happening. 
• A lot of thought, emotion, and talking goes into deciding on the timing for a second baby. A LOT.
• Landon screamed the neighbor's name yesterday. From his bedroom window. While pounding on it and watching him play across the street. Made me realize, with 150% certainty that we made the right choice to stay here and not move. 
• Where the hell are Max & Ruby's parents? I mean, seriously. I know I'm not the first to ask, but why has the question never been answered?
• Germ anxiety hasn't lessened, I'm just learning (or trying to learn) to deal. I haven't decided how this is going. 
• Success = a trip to Marshall's with two germaphobe mamas and two toddlers that resulted in no temper tantrums, and lots of great buys.
• Painted my half bath a grayish purple. And it kicks ass. That was a week ago. Maybe before we hit the two week mark I'll fix the places on the ceiling that got paint on them. I said maybe.
• Tax return has been filed, now show me the money, Uncle Sam, so we can get the rest of these renovations under way. 
• Fairchild Road between 21 and 23 Mile is the biggest mud bog. It's ridiculous. And is cause for a carwash. 
• Landon is a counter top food thief. Don't set your plate too close to the edge. You'll be missing valuable food groups by the time you get to it.
• I need to go wrap presents for the two fellas in this house. Yes. We buy presents for Valentine's Day. Why not? My prediction is that tomorrow will be a play dough heaven around these parts. Bring it on. 

Mommy Woes

This has been a day. One of "those" days.

The type of day that starts with a toddler continually pulling out the bottom drawer of the entertainment center to stand in. Which then proceeded to pushing every button on the very heavy TV. Cue my (probably) irrational fears, and all I could do was see the TV collapsing down on him. He was taken out of the drawer and put into time out at least 6 times. Every single time his time had been served, he was back in the drawer. I tried redirecting, it would only last a maximum of 2 minutes before, you guessed it, he was back in the drawer. Tried to take a shower, locked him in the bathroom with me. Completely obliterated the undersides of the bathroom cabinet, leaving the bathroom in complete shambles, and then broke free. I then had to rush out of the shower and run to the living room soaking wet, because mama vibes set in, and I just knew. Where did I find him? In the drawer. Pushing every button on the TV.

This is where I must remind you that I am human, just like I have said from the very beginning of this blog. And this human mama lost it. There was yelling. A lot of it. Which caused my adventurous boy to start crying hysterically. Which, of course, caused me to start crying hysterically. So now there is yelling, crying, apologizing, more yelling, and yet still, no solution, because I STILL have a toddler standing in a drawer.

Enter my God send, my mother. I call, completely overwhelmed and defeated, and she asks what she can do. Except, I have no idea. Because at the end of the day, I know the root of all of this. We are stir crazy. Completely OVER being stuck in the house. Over the cold, over the winter, over the germs, over my absolutely debilitating fear of the germs. He's bored. I'm going crazy. It's just a bad mix. I am 100% serious when I tell you that I have researched family friendly towns to reside in in Florida. Like...have actually looked at homes online that are currently available to purchase.

But that's neither here nor there I suppose. My mother showed up, less than an hour later, with the fixings for cookie making and open ears. She flat out asked me, "Is this one of those days when you just don't want to do this anymore?". My heart sank. Oh my God, I must be a horrible mother, because I am quite certain that that thought had to of crossed my mind at some point during this mornings fiasco.  But she was also quick to say, "Because it's ok if it is. I had those days, too." Oh wait. This is normal? To feel this overwhelmed with ONE kid? How are people doing it with two? Three? Four? FIVE!? And being so calm and happy? Surely, they are normal, and I am bat shit crazy. Obviously.

My cousin also offered me some solace. She told me that if we are being amazing parents 1/3 of the time, we are doing our jobs, and we both know we are being amazing parents far more than 1/3 of the time. In fact, 95% of the time, I do feel like I'm pretty darn good at this. {For the record, that doesn't mean that I AM good at this 95% of the time, but I at least know that 95% of the time, I am trying my absolute hardest} But there is that 5% that creeps in some times, and this morning, was one of those times.

I also know, that it's not just me. He's a toddler, he's testing his limits, he's learning. But in that moment, I feel like if I was a better parent, he would have absolutely no need or desire to stand in a drawer after being told 50000000 times not to. And those moments....well....they SUCK. Because they are enough to break any mama's spirit and will. And this morning, I felt very broken. Very unsure of how I will ever be able to handle this when God decides to bless us with another baby. Very unsure of myself, and quite frankly, really not liking myself very much.

It also didn't help that in the midst of all this, my hair is continuing to fall out in clumps, and the bare spots are growing by what seems like the millisecond. I can't walk by a mirror without feeling absolutely disgusted, and that gets a girl down. Sorry, maybe that's vain, but it does. Everybody wants to feel like they're at least not "disgusting", and on most days, I don't feel that. In fact, I feel downright nasty. And it's disheartening. I try to look past it, try to tell myself, "Hey! It's ok! You don't need great hair or perfect skin, you're a good mom, and look at your miracle!". But there are moments when it all culminates together and I feel like a shitty, ugly mom. Today was one of those days.

But I thank my Mom, because she did help. Her reassurance, and of course, delicious cookies, did help offer a small bit of clarity.

Tonight, Jeremy and I will be discussing what home improvement projects I can get started on immediately, instead of waiting for spring to start. To give my something to do to pass these (hopefully) last days of winter. To make me feel accomplished. Because when I feel accomplished, I do feel better. Bucket loads better. So....let the planning commence.

And tomorrow, we will leave our house. I will force myself. To go to the store. To do SOMETHING. To just get us out of here. We need it. We also really need Spring. Like.....now. Right now.

And Wednesday, I will go see my counselor again, for the first time in a few months. Because, clearly, I still need to. I thought I was good, and for a while, I was. But I know me, and I know when I'm in a place that I need help, guidance. And I'm there. And I'm not afraid, nor ashamed, to admit it.

Does any of this mean that I don't still love being a mom? No. Does it mean that I want out? Absolutely not. Does it mean that I give up? Nope, not even close. It means that I'm human, and I had a day. Isn't the first time, won't be the last. The goal, however, is that on the next "day", I know what to do, how to snap myself out of it, how to feel better faster. Stay tuned.