Monday, December 17, 2012

Writing With A Loss Of Words

I have not neglected this blog because I am lazy, disinterested, or "over it". Before Friday, December 14, at 9:38AM, it was simply because I was busy, stressed, overwhelmed. After Friday, it was because I was at a loss for words.

There is not anything I can say to even scrape the surface of the heartbreak and utter sadness that we all feel over the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary. I could sit here all day, and still not be able to put into words how I really feel. I wish I could say I was numb, that it was just so catastrophic, I can't feel a thing. But no; I am devastated, hurt, and more aware of my little blessing than ever before.

For someone who is trying to rediscover her faith in God, and trying to work harder at trusting him wholeheartedly, this could easily derail me. But I'm trying to set that part of me aside. Trying to tell her that God wanted those 20 beautiful babies back with him, because they were too good to be here another second. That they are safe, and happy, and will never feel another ounce of hurt again. That God knew what he was doing.

But the mommy in me, can't fathom it. Can't understand. Cannot even BEGIN to imagine the unbelievable hurt and anguish that 20 mommies in Connecticut are feeling this morning. This morning, as they grieve because their babies aren't home, as I sit here and watch my healthy, happy, SAFE, little boy run through the house chasing his cat, stopping every few minutes to say "Hi, Mommy" ("Mommy", which he just started to say yesterday. It's no longer "Mama", but "Mommy").

My heart is broken, and continues to break further, every time I see the face of one of those angels. I sat on my couch in tears on Friday afternoon watching the coverage, as my innocent baby slept soundly in his crib. When my mother in law showed up, she had no idea what was going on. She had been out all day, and didn't have her radio on. As we sat here, together, watching in horror, as the numbers continued to grow, as the story continued to develop, both of us, strong, Christian women, felt so much question in our hearts as to why this was happening.

There is no answer. There never will be. The shooter was sick, he was not right. He did not get the treatment that he NEEDED. And as hard as it is to say that he deserved anything other than a lifetime of burning in hell for all the hurt he caused, he DESERVED help before he got to the point that made him feel that taking the lives of 20 innocent children was the only answer. And the only opinion I will offer here, is that people need to start looking harder at the illnesses that cause this type of thing, and getting those individuals HELP, instead of just writing them off as a lost cause. Because now, there are 20 mothers without their children, because ONE mother wasn't able to help hers enough. This is in no way a discussion over gun control, etc. There will never be a gun in this house. My child will never have a play gun, or a video game that involves gun. That is just what works for us. My father in law has several guns, locked up, hidden. I have never seen them, and I will make sure Landon never does. That's what works for them. Do I fear that one day he will go off the deep end and shoot up an elementary school? Or his family? Absolutely not. Did anyone ever assume that this man would do such a thing? Probably not. Only God knows. Guns scare me, point blank. People scare me more.

I am trying, with every ounce of my being, to trust God during this time. To know that he has a plan, and that his plan for those children was bigger than what they could fulfill here. I am trying to find comfort in knowing that they are safe in the arms of Jesus today. I am trying. I am soaking up every piece of my gorgeous son, THANKING God that He has given me the opportunity to mother such a perfect boy. Thanking God that my son was not one of the 20 killed, so senselessly. Praying that those mothers and fathers find peace, in some way, although it seems impossible. If I could hold each of them and cry with them for hours, I would. I think that's all anybody wants to do right now. Just hug those parents, or more so, hold those children. I am praying, harder than I have ever prayed before, for some form of understanding and some ease from this heartbreak.

The teacher in me, now, must say, how blown away, amazed, and humbled I am by the teachers who helped to save so many more children. I am so proud to say that I am part of a group of individuals that could so selflessly put themselves in the line of fire to save their students lives. Each of those women is an inspiration, and I hope a wake up call to anyone who considers teachers just mere "babysitters". Take this for what its worth. Those women did what any of us would do, what we were trained to do, what we vowed to do the day we received our degrees. They are HEROES. And to me, all the other teachers out there are as well. My thoughts are with each of my teacher friends as they walk back into their classrooms today, and have to try to explain to their students that they are safe, they are ok. My heart is with you all today.

I don't have it in me to sit here and rehash our full weekend, or spew out how obsessed with the stomach virus and preventing it I have become. None of it means anything in the light of everything else happening. I know that each of those 20 mothers would give anything to be worrying about their children getting the stomach flu, instead of planning their funerals. I will take the worrying, I will even take the flu, if it happens to find us. Because I have my baby here, to take care of, to hold, to love.

Now go hug the children in your life. Your children, your siblings children, your neighbors children. Any child. Just hug them, and thank God that they are ok. Love them. And join me in trying to trust that this all happened for a reason, even if it seems impossible.

And, if nothing else, remember these gorgeous faces.

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