Happy Monday, kids.
I have been putting so much thought into my plans of trusting God these last few days. We have a lot of big choices on the road in front of us at the moment. Choices that include, but are not limited to, homes, babies, money. Choices that excite me and scare the crap out of me all at the same time. Choices that need to be made, and they are either going to be the right choice, or the wrong choice, and we won't know until we've made up our minds, and we're in the thick of it.
Scary doesn't really begin to describe it.
And here I am, trying to be all reasonable and take the emotion of out of it all, which, for the record, and much to Jeremy's dismay, is NOT working. Emotion rules my world. And none of the things that we're facing can stand to have TWO people thinking only by the rules, and taking out all emotion. One of us has to be the mess. I've taken that role as my own. I'm not enjoying it much.
But then I think about it, I mean really think about it, and I realize I'm not really in control anyway. I could lay out a perfect plan, but at the end of the day, it's still not up to me. God has His plan, and that's the way it's all going to play out anyway.
But here's the thing. I found myself getting very frustrated a few days ago. Sobbing to my husband because I didn't know what to do, what to feel. Sobbing and complaining because I had been praying for clarity for days, and I still had nothing. How was I supposed to trust Him, when he couldn't give me even the smallest sign as to what we're supposed to do? What the right choice is?
Then it hit me. After a long talk with the bff. Maybe there isn't a "right" choice, or a "wrong" choice. There are just choices. And we get to decide which choice we want to make. It's actually a BEAUTIFUL situation to be in. We get to CHOOSE if we want to move, we don't have to, and we aren't being told that we can't. We get to CHOOSE when we want to start trying for baby number 2, we don't have a timeline that we NEED to follow or an illness that we NEED to beat first. We get to CHOOSE how to spend our money, we aren't being TOLD what to do with it.
So, really, I have been spending the last few weeks stressing out, crying, rationalizing and agonizing over what? Something that most people are not lucky enough to have. Choices.
Choices that are not going to make or ruin our lives. No. Because regardless of what we choose, we will have a healthy, happy, beautiful little boy to love. Whether it's here, or somewhere else. Whether it's just him, or he has a little brother or sister. Whether we are rich, or broke. We will still have each other. Our family. Together, loving each other. I spent way too much time these last few days breaking my own heart over doing what's "right" for Landon. What's right for Landon is to be with his mommy and daddy. To love him. To smother him with kisses and attention. To right his wrongs. To be stern, but to have fun. To keep doing exactly what we're doing. Maybe continuing to do it here. Maybe continuing to do it somewhere else. Maybe giving him a little sibling now. Maybe giving him a little sibling in a little while.
The point is, my mind still isn't made up. Every time I think it is, I change it again. And don't let Jeremy fool you, he's playing the same game. But now, I'm not dreading the choice anymore. I'm embracing it. I'm knowing that no matter what choice we make, it will work for us. We will make it. That's just how we are. And we are so damn lucky.
So while I was getting angry because God wasn't coming to me in my dreams and saying "Here Kelly, this is the way, do this", I found his clarity in the words of my best friend, and in the eyes of my child. I was expecting to walk out of church yesterday with no weight on my shoulders, singing "Hallelujah!" and in the midst of an Ah-Ha moment. Didn't happen that way. Instead, it was in an afternoon of laughs, mindless TV watching, serious talks, snuggles and kisses. Prayers are rarely answered the way we expect them to be, I need to remember that. I'm still learning. And I'm learning that God can be one sneaky dude.
There's no way to know what we'll end up doing, at least not yet. There are still are a lot of conversations ahead of us, a lot of soul searching, and, probably, a lot of second guessing. But I'm feeling more ready for it now than I was just this morning. So my faith is still strong that God will find another way to lead us down the right road. I'm just going to stop looking for it, and just let it happen.