I Spy, Round Two

Again, Little Miss Momma gets the credit, but I'm doing another round of "I Spy" to celebrate our day of doing a whole lot of nothing. Enjoy!

Come On In...

I Spy...

A Sleepy Toddler at Breakfast.

I Spy...

My Bat Bowl Perfectly Filled.

I Spy...

Misfortunate Halloween Decorations That Have Met Their Demise. AKA Landon.

I Spy...

Pink hair feathers for our Breast Cancer team, Beier's BooBea's.

I Spy...

The garbage bag filled with old magazines that I decided to purge yesterday. It's too heavy for me to lift it. So here it sits. 

I Spy...

The pile of my husbands clothing that has been sitting on our bedroom floor for two weeks. He just takes clean clothes out of the pile, and I just add clean clothes to the pile after I do laundry. Not having given in and having put these clothes away myself yet is major progress. 

I Spy...

Live with Kelly & Michael. I'm trying to love it, I really am. But without Regis, my heart just hurts. Mornings aren't the same anymore.

I Spy...

A beautiful boy hard at work.

I Spy...

A kid so determined to not miss a second of Dora, he stood like this for a solid 5 minutes.

I Spy...

A very patient toddler in the bank drive through. The ONLY errand we had to run today. 

I Spy...

A little boy who drives exactly like his Great Grandpa Green.

I Spy...

Someone who doesn't care that it's only 40 degrees. He just loves being outside.

I Spy...

Home. In all it's glory.

I Spy...

Jeremy's soccer jersey. Another reminder that he was way cooler than me in high school.

I Spy...

A well rested toddler after a 3 hour nap.

I Spy...

A backyard tree that looks more like winter than fall.

I Spy...

A Halloween mantle.

I Spy...

A spooky foyer table.

I Spy...

My favorite of our wedding photos.

I Spy...

What I'm hoping is a miracle worker.

I Spy...

Lonely weights that haven't been picked up since tank top season ended. Ok, fine. Since a month BEFORE tank top season ended.

I Spy...

A hallway photo collage that desperately needs to be updated. Pretty sure that is Camden's one year picture. Yeah, he's three.

I Spy...

One intent kid.

I Spy...

A toddler who is a little unsure of his dinner.

I Spy...

Acceptance. It's good.

I Spy...

A litte boy who misses his daddy so much, he has to sit ON his lap while he eats dinner.

I Spy...

Love.

Happy.

Cuteness.

Perfection.

The BIG Reveal!!

I couldn't wait another second to show you. It's done. And it's in. And it's perfect!

I've gone ahead and done my very first tutorial for this lovely creation too. So as much as you're here to see the before and after shots, stick around and read about how easy it actually was to accomplish! :)

So, my friends....this....is what I started with.

A pretty sad looking piece of neglected 1970's furniture. A piece that my mother thought I was crazy for wanting. BUT....

THIS is what I have NOW...

And let me tell you, I am IN LOVE. It's perfect. In every way. There is not a single thing that I'm looking at and wishing it was different. It's just....perfect.

And so...this is how it all came to be! It was so laughably easy that I'm a little embarrassed.

First, there's the dresser, of course, which came in at a grand $31.74

I just love that price tag...like...seriously.

I have to say, I got extremely lucky that the piece that I found was in pretty good shape. There was a drawer track missing, a couple knicks in the wood, and a looooot of dust. But there was no funky smell, no huge holes, no malfunctioning drawers. It was a good piece from the beginning.

My first step was to clean it out. And I mean really, really clean it. I found this stuff on our way out of Lowe's, and it was a last minute add to the cart. But it was a great pick up. It claims to cut through oil, wax, dirt, everything. I thought it was a good idea, since I had no idea what the previous owners may or may not have done to this thing. It was totally worth the $6.99, because it definitely did everything it promised to.

We took all the drawers out, and cleaned everything individually. It was necessary. I think it's safe to say whenever you buy something and you don't know its history, a deep clean is extremely necessary.

A huge thanks goes out to my mom for helping me scrub it all. The paper towels were preeeeetty nasty when we were done.

Next came the sanding. Since the back of the dresser is just plain plywood, and we wouldn't be finishing or seeing that, I laid it down on its back so I could easily reach all the areas that needed to be sanded.

I didn't go crazy with the sanding, because the wood was actually in pretty good shape too. And, I was going to be covering it with a dark color, so any small imperfections would be covered with the paint.

Next came priming. 

[The first picture also shows the sanding block I used; a fine grit]

I used ALL Valspar spray paint on this. The first coat of primer didn't coat as well as I was expecting, so I did two.

I didn't waste my time priming areas that weren't going to be painted, or painting areas that weren't going to be seen. Save yourself the trouble. I also sprayed all the drawers with their faces up. This cut down on any drips! 

*I must say, at this point, I was almost wishing white would fit into the decor in my house, because I was loving the way it looked in white.*

After letting the primer dry for a good 3-4 hours, I brushed over it all with a piece of steel wool, just to "grind down" any uneven spots or anything like that. The wool was pretty soft, so it really just added a nice "smooth" to the primed wood.

Kind of looks like a squirrel's tail.

Once that was done, I was ready to move onto the black. There was no turning back now!

I used Valspar Black in a Gloss finish. I wanted a shinier look to the piece. If you're looking for something without as much sheen, go with a Satin finish. You'll still get a smooth look, just without the shine.

It took me a good two coats over the entire thing, and a few areas still required me to go back and add a little more. Since it is real wood, it was really soaking up the paint, so the primer was showing in a few places even after two coats. But it didn't take long to go back and fix the areas where the white was peeking through. At this point....I was getting beyond pumped. It was turning out amaaaaaazing.

I let it dry over night, but it was still pretty tacky in the morning. And more problem areas had shown up. So I went over those areas again, and then turned a few fans on it at full blast to dry it.

Once it was dry, I went over the areas that were prone to damage with a coat of polyurethane. I did the top, where the TV would be sitting, and the sides, where Landon is sure to bang things into it.

I bought the smallest can they had, because I knew I wouldn't need much. I also got this in the "gloss" finish. I used a cheapo sponge brush (49 cents at Michaels) and brushed it on. Not only was it protecting it and giving it awesome shine, but it also evened out a few areas where you could see some uneven spots from the spray paint.

I sat it back up on its side for this step, to avoid drips from the coating.

I also spray painted the inside of the top two drawers. I wasn't going to be using those drawers, so that needed to be black as well.

We let it dry for several days. Which, now, was probably very wise. At the time, my excitement was killed each day Jeremy said he didn't want to move it in yet. But now, it was worth the wait.

Once it was entirely dry, we drilled a couple holes in the back for our cords to fit through, and added the hardware. I fell in love with the silver drawer pulls, and fell even deeper in love with the fact that they were only $3.49 each! Score!

Drooooooool.

And...that was it! It was time to move it in! I am in NO way done figuring out what I want to display on the top, and the black and white fabric bins may only have a temporary home on the shelves. I'm picturing chunky baskets, but until I find the ones I fall in love with, I'm happy with the bins, which I just happened to have laying around the house.

I seriously, truly, could not be happier with the way it turned out. And I am LOVING that every single one of our dvd's is hidden in those drawers, along with all the Wii accessories, including the Wii Fit board, and we still have the three small drawers in the middle totally open for storage. Ah-mazing.

Please ignore the massive mess in Landon's corner of the room, obviously, we were not focused on cleaning up after him today. Whoops.

So there ya have it! I had such a blast doing this, and told Jeremy today I want to make this into a job. I love finding things that other people think are ugly or trash, and having a vision of what they can be. And now I KNOW I can do this. And pretty damn well. On the hunt for the next project. Although, probably not for OUR house, I need to give Jeremy a break. This whole process seemed a little traumatizing for him, bringing something so old into the house. But, even though his pride is keeping him from telling me that he LOVES it, he has made several comments so far today that elude to the fact that he is, in fact, impressed. But, if you're looking for something, and you want it cheap, tell me! I'd love to hunt and fix it up for you! :)

Let's Explain This...

So after yesterday's post, I got some amazing phone calls and texts from some wonderful people, telling me if I needed anything, they were there. To assure me that I was doing a good job. To tell me they loved me.

I also had my husband, who on most days is supportive, understanding and empathetic to my anxiety, asking me why I would tell people something so intimate. On the INTERNET. Where anyone could see it. Wasn't I embarrassed?

No. I'm not. And I did it because I know, personally, a few people who struggle with anxiety, but they don't talk about it. They don't get help for it because they think they're crazy and they're alone. Maybe you're another person like us. But here's the deal. I want anybody who deals with anxiety to know they are NOT alone. And you're NOT crazy. And I want all the rest of you, who don't deal with it, and think that those of us who do need to just "get over it", to know that it isn't that easy. I want you to KNOW what it feels like. I want you to GET it. Because the rest of the folks like me who are suffering with this, need you to. So I'm going to lay out today's panic attack in great, extreme detail. So you get it. And if you don't believe that anxiety is real, or you think I'm just...whatever. Then click off of here right now. I made it perfectly clear from the very beginning of this blog that I am human. And this is my perfect example.

After spending 3 hours in the ER with a miserable kid last night, we got home, finally got him to bed at midnight, and got some sleep. He even slept until 9 this morning. I woke up feeling good. His fever was only 99.5, he was happy, and we had both gotten some sleep. I took my cheery self to the kitchen to get his breakfast, and just like that it, it all went downhill, and fast. I lifted the tray for his high chair out of the kitchen sink, and there they were. Two of them.

Remember this guy who showed up on my front porch a few weeks back? He has friends.

And we have had several of his friends INSIDE our house over the last week or so. But Jeremy has been here, I've been able to leave the room, and let him kill and dispose of them. But this morning, I was on my own. And, full out panic struck. I tried to be rational, I tried to tell myself that I could kill them, they're just spiders. In my sink. But I couldn't. I started shaking, sobbing, freaking out. I got lightheaded, I couldn't breathe. I tried, so hard, to say "Stop it, Kelly". Even saying it out loud. I picked up one of Jeremy's shoes to smash them, and that's when it hit its peak. I had to grab the counter, because I truly felt like I was about to pass out. It was pure torture. Everything inside of me was clenching, but it was jello at the same time. I could not, no matter how hard I tried, catch my breath. I called my mom, and told her she needed to come. I couldn't do it. She tried her hardest to tell me I could. That I could kill them, and she would come later to clean them up. It wasn't enough. By this point, I had Landon and I locked in his bedroom. I tried my neighbor. She knows about my anxiety, and she knows I hate spiders, but she's a champ, and she can kill them. She wasn't home. I was losing it. Felt like I needed to get out of the house. I had to get Landon and me OUT before the spiders....what? Killed us? Now, I honestly don't know. But in that moment, it felt like they were everywhere, and they were crawling their way towards us. Like our walls were closing in. I texted Natalie, I knew she was in the area, and she lives in the country. She could handle this. Bless her heart, she told me she could be to me in 20 minutes. 20 minutes felt like an eternity. We would surely be dead by then. I assured my mom I could not handle it, that I was having a panic attack, and because she is amazing, she came. In her pajama's. To save the day. I was a total disaster when she got here. I hid in the bedroom, sobbing, while she killed them and cleaned them up. I sat at the end of the hallway for maybe another 5 minutes once she promised me they were gone. Still crying. Still having a hard time catching my breath. It took me a good 10 minutes to come down after it was all over and feel ok. I spent 45 minutes of my day today in the midst of a total anxiety attack. Over two spiders.

Here is where I need to say, that my child is amazing. I saw a psychic medium at a party my cousin had last fall. And she told me that I did not get Landon by mistake. That instead, my Grandpa had handpicked him for me. He was specially chosen. Today I realized why. My amazing little boy sat on my lap while I was sobbing, nearly hyperventilating. He sat on my lap and hugged me, kissed me, and smiled at me. He crawled right up, curled into me, and protected me. From myself. From my anxiety. Grandpa, you did a good job. You knew I needed this boy and his strength. You picked the perfect baby for me. 

After it was all said and done, I cried some more over the fact that my 1 year old had to be brave for me. That I let him see me that way. But you know what? I couldn't help it. Trust me, you must believe me, if I could have, I wouldn't have let it all happen. But that's the point. To those of you who don't have this problem, to those of you who tell us to just stop, get over it. We can't. We don't WANT to live this way, or feel this way. It's not our choice. We cannot help it. But it doesn't mean we're weak. Or crazy. Or sick. It's just the way we are. 

I also need to make it clear that I am not ALWAYS this bad. This is another side effect of coming off my anxiety medication. We watched my Grandmother have multiple panic attacks as she came off the same thing. It's as if all the anxiety that had been suppressed while I was on the medicine, just needs to get out of my body. And today, a huge sum of it managed to escape. I pray that there aren't many more of these attacks until I'm back to myself, but there's no way of knowing. There's no warning for them. They come out of no where. Over sometimes nothing. Today, my trigger just happened to be spiders. Two days ago, my trigger was Jeremy telling me he didn't want to move the dresser in the house that night. I am pretty sure I suggested we should get divorced? Then sobbed because I was determined he was really going to leave me. Let's face it, as much as I may complain about that dude, he is basically a saint for dealing with me.

So is my mom. And my dad. And all the people I called on today. And so is everybody else who has someone in their lives who suffers like this. You people are our lifeline. Your patience, your understanding, your LOVE, is what we need. You don't have to "get it", you just have to know that it's very real for us. To you it's a spider. To me, it's a monster trying to kill me. And I have to say, even in the moment, somewhere in the back of my mind, I know it's all ridiculous. And I can very faintly hear myself saying "Get a grip. You're fine. This is not a big deal". But that faint voice is over ridden by the monster that lives inside, who is much scarier than the spider, that is telling me this is life or death. This is reason to flip out. This is bad news. That monster is horrible.

I could write about this in my own journal, which is what my counselor suggests. But who is that helping? I don't even know that it's helping me because I'm not really getting it out of me. And it certainly isn't helping anybody else who feels this way. I could try to sit down every day for ten minutes, like my counselor tells me, and face my worries and anxieties then. Devote that ten minutes to nothing but worrying, and then get up, and move on. But I can't schedule when spiders are going to show up in my sink. Or when I'm going to flip over a crumb on the ground and have to clean the whole house. The point is, you can't plan anxiety. It just hides out until it's ready to rear it's ugly head. 

My counselor once asked me to describe what I thought a germ looked like (because germs are another HUGE anxiety trigger for me). She said she wanted to know exactly what I thought it was that was attacking me. I described them as small, green, fuzzy, mean, evil guys. They had lots of legs, and little weapons. And they always came in swarms. I'm trying to think about how I would describe the anxiety monster that lives inside of me if she asked. What does it look like? I honestly don't know. For some reason I think he's gray? And I know he's huge. And downright mean. I think he always has a smirk on his face, because he knows I never know when to expect him. He must have some sort of weapons. Something that stabs me in the gut, and sucks the breath out of me. Now I do sound crazy, I know. But I urge the rest of you who feel this way, to put a face to your anxiety monster. When I did it for the germs, I laughed for a good 5 minutes. I never realized that I thought they were little people. And putting a face on them, made them more manageable for some reason. I'm not there yet with the anxiety. I'm still trying to make myself laugh. But I'm working on it. And, yes, I'm still afraid of germs, they still freak me out, and I still need to sanitize everything, all the time. But, they don't cause panic attacks any more. They make me uneasy, uncomfortable, and drive me to clean like crazy. But it's not as bad as it was before. And next Tuesday, at 11, when I see my counselor, I'm quite sure we'll be talking more about my anxiety monster. Maybe she can help me figure him out. Maybe I just need more Landon snuggles.

So there it is. That's me. Raw. Uncensored. Scared. Grateful. Exhausted. Me. No apologies. 

Oh the anxiety...

So I have been trying to hold off until the dresser was completely renovated to update on here again. But, it's taking longer than expected (thanks to a slow hubbs and an over eager me who made a boo boo), and I have things to say. But. I will offer a little sneak peek, because it IS looking fabulous....

Eeeek. Such a tease, but HOPEFULLY by this weekend I can reveal the whole shebang. 

In other news, Landon suddenly got a high fever again Tuesday afternoon, and wound back up at the doctor yesterday morning. Apparently one ear is still infected, and clearly, still making him miserable. So we are playing the Tylenol / Advil every 4 hours game, and that includes all night long. Exhausting. But...even with a fever, he's still the cutest damn thing I've ever seen.

So basically, he's a Jeremy clone.

Some serious morning reading.

I mean....cutest ever.

Oh but wait. Have I neglected to mention that I am a huge ball of mess this week? If you know me at all, you know that I struggle with anxiety, big time. I'm not ashamed to say it, and I'm not ashamed to say that I see someone every other week for it, and up until last week, I took medication daily for it. But, we want to start trying for baby number 2, and I can't be taking anything, unless I want to risk an unhealthy baby, which no, I don't. There is nothing worth risking that for. So, together, and with the help of my awesome OB, we decided that I would start weaning myself off it. Of course, the weaning process started last week while we were in the throws of my Grandmother fighting off death, which started the tailspin. Then this week, when I finally stopped taking it all together, my kid had a 103 fever, I was tackling the largest DIY project I've done yet, and my husband started class, making him gone THREE nights a week instead of just two. Add to that the dizzy spells, light headedness, nausea, and returning anxiety, and I have been a wreck. Literally a mess. I have had meltdowns over the stupidest things, felt like the scum of the earth, and felt like the only place I could function from was my spot on the couch. I'm told this is the "withdrawal" phase. To that I say, BLAH! I see why drug addicts keep taking their drug of choice. This stinks!! AND, according to my research, this could last up to THREE WEEKS. Basically, if you have had to deal with me over the couple weeks, or are dealing with me now, I'm sorry. And Mom, sorry that I started balling and needed to go punch a pillow when I called you and you simply said "You couldn't wait for your dad, huh?". Because I did. I balled for 5 minutes, and smacked a pillow. While Landon looked at me like I was nuts. Then he crawled up on my lap, put his head on my shoulder, and gave me a kiss. And THAT folks, is why I'm doing this. Why I'm putting myself through the "withdrawal" phase. Because there is no replacement for a babe's love. And I want another one. Another healthy one.

It's looking like sandwiches for dinner, because Jeremy won't be home until 8, I couldn't care less about eating at this moment, and I have a flipping stripped screw on my dresser / entertainment center that I am DETERMINED to make work. Argh!

It's an Addiction

I realized today that I have numerous addictions. Which include, but are not limited to,

• Purses
• Makeup
• Target
• Old Navy
• Baby Pajama's
• Nail Polish
• Reality TV
• Pinterest
• Chocolate
• Changing my Scentsy
• Squeezed Vitamin Water
• Ice Cream
• Fresh Sheets
• Baths
• Watching Landon Laugh

I could probably keep going on and on and on and on and on. But I won't.

The problem with almost all the things I listed, is that they nearly all require spending some sort of money. Which means, ultimately, I'm addicted to shopping. What I am not addicted to, is the fear and pure terror the day the credit card bill shows up and I know it's only a matter of hours until Jeremy sees it. 

Today is that day. It's here. It's not pretty. The day after he let me go buy ANOTHER Vera Bradley purse. I feel a sudden need to bake him brownies, learn to play euchre, and promise him a million more babies. Just to ease the pain of what he's going to see when he gets home after a long day of work AND class. And to maybe then ease the pain of the lecture I'm going to get. Again. I've already locked the credit card back up in the safe, as far from my wallet as possible. And I wrote him a nice little letter to go on TOP of the bill when he gets home, to hopefully soften him a little bit. But at the end of the day, I seriously feel like shit.

Sure, my house is decorated nicely, my kid has freaking ADORABLE pajama's, I have a brand new carton of ice cream in my freezer, and just LOOKING at Pinterest doesn't cost money (but let's face it, does a single day go by that I don't see something that I need to have, or that I need to make?). I think I need serious help. And by serious I mean more serious than my husband lecturing me like a 5 year old (which, clearly, I deserve), and me promising not to let it happen again. But I don't even know where to begin. Besides with the list of projects I want to do around the house this week that require me to stay HOME and spend NO money. Project number one: cleaning the car. Came out good. But I sure wish I had a few spare bucks to go run it through the car wash so the outside looked as nice as in the inside. 

Ugh. I'll go get my $9.50 caramel apple. That'll help, right?