Saturday, September 29, 2012

It's A Crazy Life has been an insane few days around here, and I'm about to let loose about it all. Just because. And because I desperately need to.

I am not going to go into extreme detail, just that from Wednesday afternoon through Friday afternoon, our family was on an emotional roller coaster, that I don't think any of us have really jumped off of yet.

My Grandmother was admitted to the hospital Tuesday; needed blood on Wednesday; and thought she was dying on Thursday. Her daughter, son, daughter in law, and 4 grand children (and a grandson's wife) sat with her two nights in a row, trying to comfort her, while trying to find comfort for ourselves. We watched as she dealt with unimaginable pain, while she told us things about heaven, while she made us sob, and while she made us crack up. It was quite honestly, emotional hell. But. We were all there together. All of us. And I think at one point I was crying simply because I looked around the room and saw everyone she loved the most sitting there with her. I saw all my cousins, who all came from different places to be there with her. I saw my mom, who has become her lifeline over the last few years. I saw my uncle, who, at moments, with certain expressions, has such striking similarity to my grandfather. I just saw us all there, all having come together to be with our grandmother. And I knew that every other person in that room was feeling the same way. Part of us wanted her to just let go, let go of the pain and suffering, and go be with Grandpa. And the other part of us was begging her not to leave us, that we didn't know what to do without her here. Now, 48 hours later, I am still struggling with those two extremes.

It offered me the only slice of peace I've had, when she said she wasn't scared. To look at the small, 90 pound woman laying in that bed, so fragile, so sick, and hear her say that she wasn't scared any more, somehow, it made it ok. I knew that she knew she was going to be ok. She was going to be with her parents, her brother, her husband. But then I had that other side of me screaming "NO! Not yet!!" That's the pure, totally selfish part of me. The part that is just not ready to not have her in my life anymore. At one point on Thursday night, she asked me if we would always be her kids. Of course, it seemed so obvious to me at the time. Why wouldn't we be? We are four cousins who are only cousins because of her. We are everything, because of her. And we will continue to be, because of her. But now that I look back on it, I think, wait, will she always be our Grandma? Once she's gone, is she still "ours"? I want to believe so, I need to believe so. Just like she needs to believe that we'll always be hers.

I could tell a million stories of tears and laughs over the last few days, but in the end, she is now in rehab, and we're all doing some more of the waiting game. How long until she needs more blood? How long until she leaves? How long until it stops hurting like hell?

I am beyond grateful for the amazing family I have. And to each of you reading this, you know I would be a lost mess without any one of you. You complete me in the best way. There is no way I would still be standing after the last few days if it wasn't for you. I love you.

But....I had to pull myself together, and go out last night; we had a wedding for one of Jeremy's coworkers. Here is where I apologize to everyone who had to sit at that table with me. To say I was a major party pooper would be an understatement. I cried when the grandparents danced. I had to seriously summon every ounce of energy I had left to dance with my husband. I zoned out more times than I count. It was, in no way, my finest moment. By the time we left and got into the car, I sobbed for a good 5 minutes, and then passed out and slept until we pulled into the garage and I heard Jeremy say, "Babe....we're's time for bed." And I crashed. Hard. Just literally melted into the bed and was gone. But...there were a few moments of the night when I seemed nearly human....

This morning, I woke up and was determined to enjoy the day. I told Jeremy I needed a day with him and Landon, and him and Landon only. I felt like I was a ghost all week and I was so disconnected from both of them. I needed a day to reconnect. So we headed to the apple orchard. And it was a GOOD day.
First of all, it was GORGEOUS out. The perfect fall day in Michigan.

Letting Landon loose in the pumpkin patch was like letting a caged animal run free. He could NOT believe that he had ALL that space, and ALL those pumpkins, and he could touch ANYTHING he wanted.

Lovin' on Mommy & Daddy

He was in total awe of the pumpkins.

That face!!!

 Next we headed into the petting farm...

Looking at baby chicks!

He wanted to touch that crazy thing soooo bad.

Mooing at the cows. Notice his face. Totally face planted while in the pumpkin patch. Scratches everywhere. We have a total boy on our hands.

Theeeeee cutest baby goat.

He loved the goats!

Our sad attempt at a classic picture. He just wasn't having it. There were singing horses in that building behind it. You better believe that was more important.

Dancing to the singing horses. 

He probably would have stayed here all day if we had let him. He thought they were hilarious.

 And onto the hay....

 Mama needed cider and donuts, and so we decided to brave the ridiculous crowds and head inside. This is Landon's newest trick. He needs to help me push.

All in all, I'd say our view on the way home would indicate it was a pretty darn good day.

Hoping for a less emotionally draining week coming up. Thinking about doing some thrifting tomorrow, in search of a new project for the house. Not sure what yet, when I'll figure it out, I'm sure you'll all be the first to know ;).

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